I am a history teacher. I see things longitudinally sometimes. Even despite this, I have always wistfully thought how nostalgic, grainy, and romantic it would be to live in the past. To live through a struggle, a historic challenge, or trying times - to me, for some reason, felt all the more romantic. I know that time is fickle, and distorts us to think things were better as they once were. We were younger, the world was simpler, there was more time for the little things, that sort of thinking. But the thing with looking in the past is, we all know how things end up. The results are solid. It happened. And there’s a sense of comfort in that.

Well, I think we can all agree 2020 was the challenge of our generation. There were dark times, and bright times, but even now, one of the most unsettling elements is the remaining question of what will happen. We do not know. It makes me realize that pining away for a long-lost time is useless - we are living our own history right now, each step of the way! All the terrible, beautiful parts of it, too. I suppose what made it so dark, when times were dark, was the element of the unknown. When will there be a vaccine? When will our elected officials start acting responsible, with integrity and sense and intellect? Is our country redeemable? Will I make it out of this? Will my loved ones be there by my side, if I do?

I write this fully knowing that someday I will read back on it, and know the answers to these questions. That’s the element of unknown I am talking about - I do not know the results right now. 2020 has taught me that that is part of the discomfort of living. 2020 has taught me that anything can happen, at any time.

COVID-19 cramped our styles, it is a fact. Travel plans were a bust. Professionally, work strained my mental health. I felt politically fatigued - at times I strongly doubted that democracy was alive in this country. I still worry about these things. But most of all, I think the health of my family (mentally/physically/emotionally) worried me the most, COVID or not. It certainly isn’t perfect. But even now pre-2020 feels nostalgic. I am trying to not fall into that trap of false nostalgia, and trying to look ahead with optimism and brightness.

During the course of the year, some beautiful things happened. I was able to enjoy a Spring for the first time since I was probably in pre-school. I saw buds on the leaves, cold breath in the morning air, blossoming bulbs, and natural patterns I had forgotten about (deer sleeping, owls in trees, that sort of thing). I became an active-observer again, something I learned about in Arizona. I walked and walked probably a few hundred miles during the “quarantine” period. We appreciated and thanked our lucky stars to all be together, at home, with Rosie. I got closer with friends without even being near them, through virtual happy hours and game nights. At least for a while, there was a sharp decline in my day-to-day stress regarding work. I was able to learn to bake bread, homemade pesto, and even biscotti. I literally looked myself in the mirror on my 30th birthday and vowed to never break the skin on my face again. My skin has never been healthier, or more radiant. We got to see a true joyous, COVID-era wedding, where some of our best friends got married despite the challenges and sacrifices of not having the full-tilt event. It was true love at work. I was able to actually have the time to watercolor. For god’s sake, I even made paper! There was time to do nothing, which did feel weird. When I did travel, it was small and all the more glorious. It felt like the biggest occasion to spend a weekend at Cape May, Long Beach Island, and take short day trips to the country. We watched Joe Biden win the 2020 Election (after about 5 days of binging CNN!). I tried, with mixed success, to grow a cut-flower garden. I became an aunt to a niece and a nephew! And this is minor, but both S and I got new hairstyles and I think we look really good (hahaaaaa). Seriously! He is rocking “the flow” and I have bangs again.

Ugly things reared, too. We worried about our health and how to socially distance the right way. We were incredulous at how ineffective and backwards our government, and many people, could be. I got angry that I didn’t travel when I had the chance. Weddings were postponed. Back-to-school was contentious, vitriolic, and honestly doesn’t make any sense still. My family felt more distanced, in a way, than ever. Undoubtedly the worst was when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, which shattered my world. I am picking up the pieces, but I am still angry and just plain old pissed off at the world. But I am grateful it isn’t worse, and trying to see the blessings in the timing. They are there. We will get through it. We have to take it day by day, and that’s just where we are. The optimism and good will I feel are stronger than the angry feelings. It sounds like an eye-roller of a statement, but it is true. It WILL BE OKAY.

But isn’t that LIFE? Ups and downs. Valleys and mountains. Hurricanes and calm seas.

2020 was a lesson, and I am humbled to have been part of it. I certainly have learned a lot, and reprioritized what is important. Love, family, and our time together.

ciao, xo